Choosing to be Childfree After Infertility

Part One:  Questions

There are a lot of questions to ask yourself before starting on the path to fertility.    It takes a lot of sacrifice, pain and suffering.  You should be informed.  If you are able to effortlessly get pregnant you need to throw out old biased concepts and learn what your infertile friends go through to have kids.

 Are you willing to be charismatic no matter how powerful the grief?  Are you able to convince people to give you large sums of money?  If not, would you forgo college tuition to pay off your debt?   You will need these traits if you choose to adopt either kids or eggs after losing your kids.

Would you be willing to undergo dangerous medical procedures that can have disastrous side-effects, such as paralysis and Uterine Cancer?  How about letting a doctor inspect your naughty bits on a weekly basis?  Can you try again if you suffer multiple pregnancy or infant losses?    

Will you sacrifice any possibility of buying a new house or even updating the house you have?  Will you be comfortable in your home if you never have spending money for vacations or getaways?    If you do find you have money for vacations could you be flexible enough to plan every day around the moment you ovulate or around the moment the clinic can see you?   

Are you strong enough not to become an emotional eater or drinker when year after year you still have not met all the above requirements?    Better yet, can you handle the hurtful comments you will receive from others when you don’t meet those standards?

If you go the route of adoption could you accept it’s the most expensive option?  Could you handle having social workers inspect your home.  Are you comfortable sharing intimate details about yourself with strangers who will then decide if you are a capable parent?  Can you explain to a judge why you deserve to have kids?  Would you inflict mental and physical testing upon yourself to prove you are a fit parent? 

Will enough people in your community to give you letters of recommendation?  Can you wait two to ten years to wade through the mountain of paperwork?   Even if you adopt can you give back your child if the parent comes to legally remove them back to their care?  How can you comprehend that these same parents don’t have to undergo all the same processes you do because they are genetically linked to your child?   

On April 3^rd I was honest with my husband about the struggles ahead.  The last thing I wanted was to make him believe we could hop to the corner market and bid on a baby.  I knew telling him the truth would cost me because I know his heart is not wrapped up in having offspring.  I still feel it’s worth it to at least try to adopt so I did tell him that.

My perspective is that if I haven’t tried everything then I’ve given up too early.  If I had it my way we would spend a fortune on trying.  We would already be so far in the hole that we would never contemplate retirement.   I would have plastered on a permanent smile, kissed all the right asses, gone to all the right events and followed all the right health and beauty tips to be as appealing as I can be.   I was even willing at one point to secretly try to get pregnant, knowing the odds were so stacked against me.

That is why I’m glad for my husband.  He’s strict and sees things differently.  Often I don’t think he fully comprehends my need to have children.  This is the driving force in my life.  Kids are all-consuming.  I can think of nothing higher on my list of priorities.  I would walk away from everything, even my life, to have a baby that I knew would grow up, be healthy, have a life of its own and maybe even give my husband grandkids one day. 

How do you go from that to having a tubal and questioning why it is you ever wanted children in the first place?