Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. On Monday that is what I did. I haven’t updated because I’ve been recovering. That’s right; I had my Tubal Ligation.
All I can think to say is so far I feel great. I spent so much time worrying before but as soon as it was done I felt free. I don’t have to worry about the morals of getting pregnant. That has always been a real issue for me. When every pregnancy ends sadly how can you keep reliving it? I spent years trying to do what I thought was right by my religion. I never considered what was right for me. Once I came to a place where I was able to look beyond what was right and wrong and ask what would give me the most comfort I chose this surgery. My family was relieved because they too had always worried about what would happen the next time I got pregnant.
I got scared that I was making the wrong choice over the last few weeks. I grieved the loss of future pregnancies. I probably will cycle back to that grief. But when I made the decision I felt peace and now that I’ve followed through I feel free. I feel confident in my decision. I haven’t felt this kind of rightness since I made the decision as a teenager to move away from home. That surprises me.
The actual day was stressful. I didn’t get there until 1:30 pm. I was hungry and dehydrated and we waited for hours to get in for surgery. They said the procedure would take an hour and it took two hours. I vaguely remember waking up to an oxygen mask and a man talking about me with words like blood loss, tachycardia and atropine. All I know is that I was so thirsty and couldn’t get my mouth wet. I looked up atropine when I got home and found out that was a side-effect.
When we got out of there it was 7:30 pm and we had to find an open drug store. Thankfully, we found one that accepts our insurance and was on our way home. It was a long day and I haven’t felt much better until today when most of the scarier side-effects wore off; like my low blood-pressure.
It’s because I’m feeling better that I wanted to write this to all of you. I want you to know that what may seem like the wrong decision to other people can be the right decision for you. If you have something hard to face and you know what is right even if your choice could alienate you or scare you it will feel much better to be true to yourself than to live a lie for years like I have. I spent so long feeling boxed in by choices I didn’t feel I had the freedom to make. Now I’m living out of the box and a great weight has been lifted off my conscience. I wonder what other choices I’ll have the freedom to make?
The world is an open book for me right now. I can finish school, have a career, adopt, use a donor egg; anything I want and I don’t have to be weighed down by self-doubt. I don’t feel I have to live my life trying to make the perfect baby. Just imagine your life with that kind of freedom.