It’s possible for me to do IVF with a donor egg. Perhaps someday in the future this is how I’ll get and stay pregnant. There are always options if I change my mind on having kids. This is also the cheapest route for me at about $15 to $20,000, with maybe the exception of fostering to adopt an older child. Those can range anywhere from $3,000 to $40,000 depending on the adoption (I’m not touching the issue of international adoption).
It’s a definite perk that I won’t have to use a lawyer or gain approval of social services to adopt an egg. You have no idea how terrifying the idea of a home study is until it’s on your doorstep. I’ve heard horror stories that left me afraid to say the wrong thing but I’ll share that in my adoption blog.
If you want to donate an egg that is what women like me dream of. It’s discreet. There is nothing wrong with not being able to carry a baby or not having a child that is genetically yours. It’s heroic. The reason it’s heroic has a lot to do with stigma. I have a hard time telling people I can’t have kids. No matter the motivation to donate your eggs I can’t help but get a little embarrassed or even angry at the notion of adopting them. It’s pride. I don’t want you to be better than me just because you can make babies. In a world where a lot of people think that is a woman’s only job I don’t want to suck at it. I’ve already tried and failed at several “man jobs.” I want to be really good at something but it’s not this and I am frankly jealous of you for that. If I’m mean that is probably why. It's still a beautiful thing you are doing.
Remember to be careful if you donate eggs. You can usually make about $5,000 but ask questions. Some programs pay for all the medical procedures while others won’t. Make sure to ask who will pay your bills. You want screening done. Ask if you’ll have to repeat any tests later on for the programs adopting your donated eggs. Ask what will happen if you get complications or what will be done with all your personal information. Be prepared to give an in-depth medical background (family, mental and physical health) and be prepared to be turned away because of health issues. You may even be drug tested at random. Do research before you decide to answer an egg donor add. There is a lot that goes into this process and not a whole lot of money to be made for your efforts. It takes about three months so it’s not a quick buck and there is a 90% washout rate so you have to expect to be turned away. It helps women like me so if you do donate, thank you. You don’t get paid enough for changing the life of someone who deserves to be a Mom or a Dad.
While the donor is getting ready I’ll probably be taking meds to get my cycle to match hers. From there it’s a lot like regular IVF. They will fertilize the eggs, transfer them and I’ll take a pregnancy test 10 days later to see if it worked. Across the country there is one law that makes me feel safe with this decision. The parental rights are removed from the donor so I never have to worry about giving my child back to its donor mother. That terrifies me about adoption. Every time I hear someone say, “It’s so rare that you don’t have to worry about it,” I want to show my cynical side and say, “yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” Just because something doesn’t happen often doesn’t mean it won’t happen to me or to you so be prepared.
This is probably the broadest overview possible of the IVF/donor egg option but I’ve never done it myself. I can’t say what kind of complications can happen though I know you could end up hospitalized. If I ever do this I’ll document everything so all of you can know what to expect.
I’ll bet there are a few of you out there who have never thought about spending twenty grand just to get pregnant. Most of you just hop into bed with someone. You spend the next nine months finding baby goods and happily collecting presents from your friends and relatives. It’s supposed to be fun. I’m glad there are people like you in the world. It doesn’t make it easy for me to watch but I don’t want you to understand this. Just do your best to be thankful for what you’ve got and I’ll do my best to be thankful for what I’ve got. Now we are even.
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