Over and over I read
comments from infertile women being wounded by their fertile friends. It's a
problem born from ignorance. Just yesterday I had a woman say that when I stop
trying is when I'll have kids. Those comments don't bug me at all any more so I
smiled and agreed.
In the infertility
community those comments are discussed to help heal the wound they leave
behind. No matter my opinion I would never directly disagree with another
infertile (sorry, if that's you and you're reading this). That is the same
reason I wish parents would keep their comments to themselves in public. We tend to keep our mouths shut not to make you uncomfortable though that is changing. God forbid, the person
who's (presumably) never suffered through years of torture to have kids be
uncomfortable in my presence when I could take all the burden. I believe
the point of being silent is that my experience will rarely change your opinion
if you aren't asking to know what I know. Many people wish they could be as
naive as a fertile myrtle.
But there is one
jackass comment parents often say (which should be kept to themselves) that I
actually agree with. I can't know what it's like having kids so I can't judge.
I recently read one infertile woman's response to this. She was insulted, and
rightly so, because that is the verbal equivalent of slapping her across the
face for not being able to keep up. The problem is that I agree. Yes, I can
have as many opinions as I want and you can like it or not. I'm very good at
having opinions about kids and their parents. My first instinct is to judge
everyone, parent or not, even if I say I'm not judging.
By voicing my
opinions on how to raise kids I'm being just as big of a jackass as the person
slapping the infertile woman with words. It's not my fault that I can't have
kids and it’s indescribably painful at times. That doesn't change the fact that
I haven't raised kids. I'm breaking my own rules here but I observe bigger
problems that happen due to non-parent's judging those with kids.
First, I've listened
to years of my Mother telling me how judgmental the board is when she takes my
brother to his IEP meetings. They tell her how best to raise her own child when
they have none of their own. They have no way of knowing the real issues
going on, especially if the parent is not all that articulate. We all
know that an education is no substitute for on the job training. I have
no idea what it’s like raising a child and while I want my opinions validated,
in most situations my business is to be silent. If I were on the panel
doing the IEP it's my business to work with the parents, not look down upon
them from an imagined state of superiority. That goes for anyone choosing
to look down on another.
Second, just the same
as the fertile can never comprehend the constant torture trying to get pregnant
the infertile don't (yet) know what it's like being crazy busy every day with
kids. You can be busy from 4 am to midnight every day but if you go down that road you will only start playing the "grief Olympics." In
the grieving community that is where you compare situations to always make it
look like you have it worse. We all suffer. You don't like it when someone
makes you feel guilty for being upset so why do it to someone else? Don't
diminish people. Try building them up with compliments instead.
Thirdly and lastly, parents
need to focus on their kids, not a barrage of opinions being pelted at them. We
all want a better next generation. If we concentrate on telling people how to
do it they may lose sight of actually doing it. Parents may feel the need to
defend their decisions. They may feel like bad parents and question themselves.
They may end up worse parents because of your opinions. Unless you suspect
child abuse it’s best to leave this kind of judging to professionals unless the
parents ask you for your opinion. I want to see parent’s succeed just as I wish
I’d have been a successful parent. Everyone has different ideas on how to do
that. It sucks that I never got to prove to the world that my views on
parenting are the best (which would undoubtedly have changed) but that is what
happened.
I got a crap deal but
you know what, you did too. My experience dictates that you may never be able
to relate to my experience but I can tell you all about what I've learned from
it. Rather than telling people how to change we can listen to what they have
learned. Eventually, all that listening, learning and adapting will lead to a
perfect you. You take the good out of people’s experiences and you don’t have
to learn it the hard way. So next time you want to tell off your childfree
friend of vice versa remember that. You are better off letting them learn on
their own because you can’t force knowledge; they will probably be insulted and
rightly so. You have to come to knowledge on your own.
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