Courage

Until recent events in the news I would have said society is more sensitive but I want to give people some credit. It took most my life before the stigma on AIDS nearly vanished. When I was young you never saw people empowering cancer patients with boob scarves and marathons. Death is the hardest pill to swallow. Kids don’t die first.

Most people can’t imagine losing a child. I can only think what it must be like for you. If I had living children I believe it would terrify me to picture them dead but that is what every bereaved parent is asking you to do when they ask for support. We are thankful you don’t know what it’s like.

How many of you go beyond saying how awful that is to closing your eyes and seeing your kids in the same situation? People have a self-preserving nature. We often turn tragedy into humor even at the expense of others. That is the point of dead baby and MADD Mother jokes.

That leads most victims feeling alone. The consensus is that you shouldn’t talk about your loss. It’s inappropriate to discuss publicly. Given the nature of the loss it’s also wrong to offer condolences. Good Housekeeping recently reported that unless the bereaved parent is vocal you shouldn’t even mention their loss. This proves how ignorant we are. Articles in major magazines further denial. They give everyone who reads an excuse to ignore someone whose child died.

As a bereaved parent you can’t tell how someone will react. Most of us learn to protect ourselves by not sharing. We deal with shame at denying our children ever existed because we can’t handle the comments you might make if we speak first. It becomes our job to take your words with the intent they were given. That can be frustrating but it’s better than silence from you. There are a plethora of websites that will tell you exactly what to say. Here are three good ones, “I’m sorry for your loss, your family will be in my thoughts and I don’t know what to say.” It’s okay to admit you don’t know how to react.

It’s not easy to be an advocate for our losses in life. Trauma is pain. How do you turn that into something good? You make the way easier for people who come after you. People don’t change their minds by watching sensationalism in the media. They change their minds when enough people stand up and tell them they are wrong. That is how to reform public displays of stupidity. That is what the two million women and their families need to do. We have the courage and we have the ability. This is possible.