When Enough is Enough

I’m an amputee.  A vital part of me is missing.  People can’t see so they expect me to function normally.  That’s not possible.  I’m handicapped.                 

 I’ve been asking myself if I can handle being handicapped forever.  Unlike a real amputee there are steps I can take to retrieve that missing piece.  Some must ask when is enough, enough?

                That is the big question for an infertile woman.  When do you stop and say, “I won’t do this to myself anymore.”  I realized the odds were so small that I would ever conceive a healthy baby.  I’m not a candidate for IVF because I have no problem getting pregnant.  It’s staying pregnant that is the problem.  It’s not my womb that’s broken.  I can carry a baby but the genes in my eggs are all wrong so the babies have birth defects.  I can sell my soul to afford a pre-genetic diagnosis on my eggs but they likely wouldn’t find one with my translocation.  Adoption isn’t right for us right either.  There is a lot that goes into that process and my husband and I aren’t ready to handle that kind of rollercoaster yet.  Even a snowflake adoption is pricey.

                The least stressful reaction is to be sterilized.  Insurance covers it 100%.  So I opted for that.  My referral letter came in the mail yesterday.  The consult is in March.  I imagine that means the surgery will be in April.  I’m officially never having children of my own.

                I was relieved to be making any kind of decision at first.  I read that for every choice like this there is a grieving period but I was more invigorated.  Now it’s sunk in.  I’m never going to raise children and that is hard.  It’s impossible to explain.  There is this ending to all things but what will mine be like?  Am I going to be free to bring joy to the lives of others so I can find meaning in this emptiness?  Am I going to bury my head in the sand and die alone?  Will I do what’s best or will I jump off the rails?  Can I be an activist for other women like me?  Will I be able to stay married and never have kids?  It’s been 5 years; does this ache ever disappear? 

                I found a good check list that helped me understand I’m doing the right thing and I wanted to share in case any of you are wondering if enough is enough?

o   How will you recognize when you have had enough? Watch out for some of these factors:

• Do you feel emotionally and physically tired all the time?
• Do you feel sad or depressed much more than you used to?
• Are you finding it harder to be optimistic about your next treatment?
• Do you glumly anticipate a treatment's failure in order to fend off disappointment?
• Are you finding it harder to follow the doctor's instructions?
• Has your relationship with your spouse started to deteriorate even further? Are you fighting a lot more?
• Do you find yourself wondering why in the world you are doing all this?

    There are positive reasons to consider ending treatment too - you don't have to wait till you are a wreck before making this decision!

• Are you beginning to focus more on the child, but not your genetic contribution to the child?
• Does the idea of stopping seem like a relief to a lot of your troubles?
• Are you directing attention to other areas of your life - and enjoying it?
• Do you feel proud of how hard you tried, and don't feel the need to do any more?
• Is your curiosity about alternatives increasing?

The whole article is located here:  http://www.drmalpani.com/book/chapter29.html  I highly suggest you look at it if you are considering not having kids after trying.  It’s for IVF patients but I was able to get a lot out of it as well.

I don’t expect to be alright for awhile.  I don’t want to hear about or think about kids.  I think that is reasonable and understandable.  I have been thinking so much about infertility and not having kids.  Facing that is tough.  It’s a big decision that took 3 years to make.  It's like fading into the tapestry sometimes.  It’s a big decision for me but not to the world.  The world sees worse things so this problem is not that bad.  I’m sucking in air to keep the tears at bay.  How can the whole world not see that this is a travesty? 

I can only hope I heal sometime sooner rather than later.