Look on any infertility forum on any given day and within the first five pages there will be a topic on people asking us about kids. It’s uncomfortable because being infertile is knowing you are broken. Most people are broken in some way. We have bad backs, knees, personalities and everything else. This is one of those bad things that for some reason brings shame.
What is small talk to you is a nightmare for us. When we tell you we don’t have kids we just shared the most private secret we have. It’s not possible to get much more intimate without getting naked.
Yet, according to the poll IS IT RUDE TO ASK A STRANGER IF SHE HAS CHILDREN on the parenting site lilsugar.com 63% of people who’ve voted so far believe it’s perfectly acceptable to ask someone if they have kids. The poll is skewed by location. If it were on an infertility site the numbers would be much different. To be fair it would have to be turned into a scientific study. I looked on Ebesco Host and haven’t found anything similar to what I’m talking about.
In years past I’ve been offended when people ask me if I have kids because it puts me in a tough spot. I have had kids. They didn’t make it. Do I admit that to a stranger? Do I deny their existence? Denying them is painful for me. On a more basic level I don’t have kids at home. Infertile people every day have to decide to say no and risk being probed with inquiries about starting a family. Or they can cut to the chase and tell you they are infertile. Then they risk being asked about adoption or IVF. Unless a person is recently diagnosed they know their options. You aren’t telling them anything new and you have probably hurt them by reminding them what a nightmare the whole process has been.
Most times I tell people I don’t have kids. It makes an awkward moment more comfortable for the stranger I’m talking to. Small talk isn’t supposed to be deep. But lately I’ve been thinking it would be best to air my dirty laundry. People are always going to say stupid things so why should I be the only one feeling awkward? It’s not their problem so how could they know its offensive to butt in? People are going to keep asking so I have to get used to responding. Eventually I’ll be the one who's comfortable telling them I’m infertile and they will be the one that's uncomfortable hearing I’m infertile. It’s nothing to be ashamed about so couples shouldn’t have to be.
That doesn’t mean it’s ok to ask. It is rude and people should know better. Unless you have business knowing you should never ask a person if they have kids without expecting a legitimate answer.
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